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(Not at all) Real Bowl SWAG

What's the point of playing postseason football if you ain't gonna get bomb-ass free shit, right?  Player participants in each and every bowl game are given fantastic gifts paid for by the bowls' respective sponsors as a sort of "thank you for your amateur athletic pursuits off of which we are reaping crazy profits."  In 2008, Ole Miss players received flat screen TV's from the Cotton Bowl committee, on which they were certainly playing Madden while cavorting with women of ill refute watching Planet Earth while getting very, very high learning about our Earth and her delecately balanced biological systems.  Strikethrough jokes are overdone.

That gift was fantastic, but what will they get this year?

Rumors have already been circling and some of the SWAG these bowls are handing out is going to really excite these players.  For example, the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl has recently agreed to give all of this year's Fiesta bowl participants coupons for a lifetime supply of Tostitos scoops!



Chips!

One Man to Beat learned of this fantastic gift and promptly shot an email around the Red Cup Rebellion Google Group (Google: helping bloggers get things done since 1996...oh, and adderol too.) where we all then contributed our knowledge of the upcoming bowl games and the SWAG we most assuredly know they are giving out.  We left out all room for snarky commentary and outlandish guessing so we could now bring you a completely accurate list of bowl SWAG for the upcoming college postseason. 

Star-divide

The Fiesta Bowl - On top of the aforementioned free lifetime supply of Tostitos Scoops (Fried corn!  Yay!), the Boise State and TCU players will be re-gifted the same exact shit they were given during last year's Poinsettia Bowl.  Thanks, BCS.

Maaco Las Vegas Bowl - Oregon State and BYU will receive the luxury of 15 gallons of paint thinner left over from a winter special gone awry. Uh oh, better win your big games.  The players will also likely accrue large debts and a diagnosis of two or more STD's, but the bowl committee won't have anything to do with those gifts.

Little Caesars Bowl - Marshall and Ohio get to play this wonderful bowl in the lovely city of Detroit.  Residents of the city have promised not to let their soul-crushing unemployment and horribly losing professional teams rub off on them.  Also, being as how the bowl committees are required to limit the value of their gift packages to $500 per player, each athlete will get one hundred hot-n-ready pepperoni pizza coupons.  Don't either one of you bicker about this.  Especially you, 6-6 Marshall.  Shut your slut mouths, now.

PapaJohns.com Bowl - Probably more pizza.  Fucking get over it.  Y'all are in college.

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl - A free trip to fabulous Hawaii!  What's that?  You wanna know where it is?  The state or the..  You're talking about the free trip?  The hell do you mean kid, you're on Oahu right the fuck now.  Yes, here.  At this horrible football game. 

Cotton Bowl - [RACIST JOKE REDACTED]  C'mon Juco.  Keep it PC, will ya?  Also, regardless of whatever "gifts" the players are getting, they'll somehow end up with a $500 invoice for them.  That damned Jerry Jones.  Slipperier than an eel I say.

Brut Sun Bowl - Stanford and Oklahoma will have the pleasure of being haunted for the rest of their lives by the ghost of Jack Palance, former badass and Brut spokesman(aka: Curly from City Slickers or that skeleton guy)(ed: yeah, I don't get it either).

Roady's Humanitarian Bowl - Roady's, a large chain of truckstops with locations throughout the nation, will offer the athletes from Idaho and Bowling Green $100 dollar gift cards, redeemable at any Roady's location!  Here the players will be able to stock up on airbrushed license plate holders, burnt coffee, caffiene pills, glow-in-the-dark condoms, and DVDs from a bin whose selection is just a tidge out of date.

Konica Minolta Gator Bowl - FSU and West Virginia receive old sepia-toned photographs of Bobby Bowden's first coached game circa 1886.  Also included are three disposable cameras from a wedding that are already used.  In addition, the players are rumored to be receiving t-shirts that say "I spent a weekend in Tampa and all I got was this horrible lapse in my memory from some weekend I supposedly spent in Tampa."  It's the city that nobody remembers, folks.

Orange Bowl - "Gifts?! We let IOWA into the fucking ORANGE BOWL, now you want GIFTS!?"

The New Orleans Bowl - The gift from this bowl committee, a group of people who decided to pit the Southern Miss Golden Eagles against the MTSU Blue Raiders, will be a written apology to all fans of college football and competitive athletics in general.
 
Have you any bowl SWAG to share?

 

ED: We started this before a list of gifts bowl committes were willing to share with the media was released.  Click it for the real deal.  Come back when you're done being unamused.

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I don't know.

Some of the real gifts are kinda funny, too. Like the “Commemorative Richard Petty Driving Experience photo” or the “Brut hair dryer”. In the not-as-funny-but-equally-strange category, the Sugar Bowl swag includes a Lane recliner?

by dxf04 on Dec 11, 2009 5:08 PM EST reply actions  

Let me tell you...

…I won a Lane Recliner playing “Dirty Claus” at the staff Christmas Party many years ago and that thing was awesome! And it lasted for-frickin’-ever!!

I would love another one, as my wife has complete control over the current one. Anyone with a Gator team connection can have the certificate sent to tlcreb17 in Tupelo, MS. Email me for address instructions! I’ll be at the Lane Recliner plant in Verona in 15 minutes to cash in (or the Lane Furnishings store near my house, if they prefer!).

"Happiness is riches, complaint is poverty, and the worst I ever had was wonderful." Brother Dave Gardner

by tlcreb17 on Dec 12, 2009 11:20 AM EST up reply actions  

Hold up.

You won a Lane recliner, yet your wife has “complete control” over it?! Sir. Assert yourself.

by The Ghost of Jay Cutler on Dec 12, 2009 1:25 PM EST up reply actions  

ROTFLMAO!!!

I pick my battles…heh, heh, heh…

"Happiness is riches, complaint is poverty, and the worst I ever had was wonderful." Brother Dave Gardner

by tlcreb17 on Dec 14, 2009 12:07 AM EST up reply actions  

I just heard...

from a fellow alum, that tyrone nix turned down the UF job. Can anyone confirm/deny this??

by bovice on Dec 11, 2009 5:14 PM EST reply actions  

Can't confirm it

but David Brandt reported he was at practice today.

Also read where Memphis has hired Mike Dubose from Millsaps College, and Alabama at 1 time, to coach Defensive Line.

DAMN IT TO HELL!!! I WAS going to say something nice about LSU... but my clock ran out.

by BimBamOleMissByDamn on Dec 11, 2009 7:02 PM EST up reply actions  

Specifically from DB's Twitter

davidbrandt: Seen today at football practice: Tyrone Nix, Greg Hardy and Tig Barksdale.

DAMN IT TO HELL!!! I WAS going to say something nice about LSU... but my clock ran out.

by BimBamOleMissByDamn on Dec 11, 2009 7:08 PM EST up reply actions  

OK, now confirmed. Nix turned down FL.

From DB’s Twitter:

davidbrandt: Ole Miss defensive coordinator Tyrone Nix has turned down the Florida job.

http://www.twitter.com/davidbrandt

DAMN IT TO HELL!!! I WAS going to say something nice about LSU... but my clock ran out.

by BimBamOleMissByDamn on Dec 11, 2009 7:24 PM EST up reply actions  

And in other Ole Miss coaching news...

An unexpected resignation on the baseball team… Assistant coach and recruiting coordinator Rob Reinstetle cited "personal reasons" in resigning his position on Friday effective immediately.

2 players also kicked off the baseball team.

nems360.com

DAMN IT TO HELL!!! I WAS going to say something nice about LSU... but my clock ran out.

by BimBamOleMissByDamn on Dec 11, 2009 7:29 PM EST reply actions  

The news just keeps on keeping on.

Reports that Greg Hardy practiced today and expects to play in the Cotton Bowl. Ummm. Wow. I thought he was done?

From http://twitter.com/ScoutingBureau:

http://twitpic.com/t51sd SR. DE GREG HARDY (Ole Miss) practiiced today for the first time since Nov 7th (hand injury) & says he expects to play in the Cotton Bowl on Jan 2nd.

DAMN IT TO HELL!!! I WAS going to say something nice about LSU... but my clock ran out.

by BimBamOleMissByDamn on Dec 11, 2009 10:02 PM EST reply actions  

Smart move by Hardy

A few scouts that I have talked to have been worried about his duribility throughout the last few years and him playing in the Cotton Bowl will get him some bonus points with them. He can make a statement and rest their concerns that he is not 100%.

by Newport Rebel on Dec 12, 2009 9:33 AM EST up reply actions  

Women of ill refute?

Did they do poorly on the LSAT? Were their arguments not concise enough for you Ghost? Or did they just have a problem saying no (which works surprisingly well in the context you put it in)?

by Mitch Planey on Dec 11, 2009 11:48 PM EST reply actions   1 recs

I caught that, too...

…but it’s Saturday morning. I don’t believe we should hold a blogger to as high standards as we usually are on the weekend. Hell, the NATIONAL NETWORKS AND PAPERS don’t hold THEIR reporters to ANY standard anymore, week-in, week-out, weekend or otherwise!!!!

"Happiness is riches, complaint is poverty, and the worst I ever had was wonderful." Brother Dave Gardner

by tlcreb17 on Dec 12, 2009 11:24 AM EST up reply actions  

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl

A tomahawk cruise missile, a Thai hooker, one (1) Abrams tank per school, a shortwave radio tuned to the BBC, three logs of Copenhagen, and a hoodie…because college athletes can never have too many hoodies.

Pig Pen this here's Rubber Duck, and I'm about to put the hammer down.

by JimHalpert on Dec 12, 2009 4:00 AM EST reply actions  

lol

"Happiness is riches, complaint is poverty, and the worst I ever had was wonderful." Brother Dave Gardner

by tlcreb17 on Dec 12, 2009 11:25 AM EST up reply actions  

Little Caesar's a la Detroit...

“the bowl committees are required to limit the value of their gift packages to $500 per player”

How about just gifting each of the players and coaches deeds to 500 homes in the luxurious residential districts of Motor City?

"Happiness is riches, complaint is poverty, and the worst I ever had was wonderful." Brother Dave Gardner

by tlcreb17 on Dec 12, 2009 11:31 AM EST reply actions  

OR!

The players could combine the money they’d get from the bowl and buy the Silverdome.

by Catfish Row on Dec 13, 2009 1:08 AM EST up reply actions  

YES! Their OWN arena, where they could let the Pride of the South...

…play From Dixie With Love sun-up to sun-down and tell Dr. Dan to jerk off!!!

"Happiness is riches, complaint is poverty, and the worst I ever had was wonderful." Brother Dave Gardner

by tlcreb17 on Dec 14, 2009 12:10 AM EST up reply actions  

New Orleans Bowl...

…how about kevlar flak-jackets with their respective team logos screened on? A life-saving device to insure they get to actually live to see the game as long as they WEAR them in the days leading up to the game.

(I’d make some sort of ill-advised joke about a Bass Pro Shops life vest for the players to protect them from flooding, but it’s post-hurricane season, so…not so much.)

"Happiness is riches, complaint is poverty, and the worst I ever had was wonderful." Brother Dave Gardner

by tlcreb17 on Dec 12, 2009 11:43 AM EST reply actions  

I have to work next door to a MTSU alum….Does it make me a bad person to want USM to win so I can talk crap to him?

by astaylo1 on Dec 12, 2009 6:18 PM EST up reply actions  

Yes.

Why in the hell do you want to:

a.) talk shit to your neighbor?
b.) cheer for Southern to spite anyone?
c.) watch that damn game in the first place?

by The Ghost of Jay Cutler on Dec 12, 2009 8:45 PM EST up reply actions  

Well

in his defense, I do cheer for TSDS in bowl games. Mississippi represent! I’d do it for MSUx too but they haven’t really given me the opportunity in a while.

DAMN IT TO HELL!!! I WAS going to say something nice about LSU... but my clock ran out.

by BimBamOleMissByDamn on Dec 12, 2009 9:49 PM EST up reply actions  

So, if one were a fan of State

… should one call it “That School From Which Cardinal Directions Are Apparently Based?” (TSFWCDAAB) or just stick with “That School I Never Attended” (TSINA)?

Red Cup Rebellion - Changing the culture of Ole Miss Athletics
Destroying your traditions since [YEAR REDACTED].

by Ivory Tower on Dec 14, 2009 12:12 AM EST up reply actions  

Because...

A.) He is from LA and a LSU fan as well (and its fun)
B.) A good friend goes to USM
C.) I will watch all of the bowl games that I can. That being said, I probably will not watch it, but you better believe that I will look at the score.

by astaylo1 on Dec 13, 2009 9:03 PM EST up reply actions  

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