Who Is This Guy? UAB Edition

Consider it a solid maxim across college football - BCS teams that play a non-conference team for Homecoming win.  Why?  Because they are patsies; always patsies.  The competition for Ole Miss in its Week 7 Homecoming game is no different.  The Blazers are an exceptionally flawed football team, currently occupying one of the most humbled positions in pass defense rankings in all of the Division formerly known as I-A.  They have already surrendered a 56-19 loss to the same Texas A & M team that lost in embarrassing fashion to the Arkansas Razorbacks.  They lost to Troy - which is, one might suppose, their in-state rival, but, honestly, who can keep up with that sort of mundaneness?

Those "practical" fan who will be, allegedly, satisfied fully, just so long as the Rebels win, need only to be reminded twice:  56-19; Texas A & M.  Make no mistake, anything less than complete domination for something greater than two quarters will be an embarrassing clarion of things to come.

In that spirit, the current edition of "Who Is This Guy" features one of Blazer Head Coach Neil Callaway's favorite players, a junior from Daphne, Alabama, whose infamy, or lack thereof, will likely tell the tale of the upcoming contest. 

Who is this guy?

He is Bryant Turner.

Turner is a junior defensive end with seven tackles for loss so far in his 2009 campaign.  Last year, he recorded three sacks in a loss to South Carolina.  He leads the Blazers with four sacks that have accounted for 29 lost yards (one wonders which side of field on which he might line up?).  Consequently, the number of times the public announcer says Turner's name will be directly correlative with the ferocity with which the cry of, "Oh, Brother," - or something along those lines - will go up from the South End Zone.

Of course, there are always reasons for optimism.  Turner's games with multiple tackles for loss - against the Gulf Coast Trojans and the Texas A & M - were comfortable and embarrassing losses, respectively.  And the Blazers only really competent defensive showing came against a Souther Miss team playing without DeAnDRe broWn (cap.?) Damien Fletcher, the all-time second least deserving recipient of the Conerly Trophy.  And the rest of the team has combined for a total of three sacks - add them all up and that's good enough for eighth in Conference USA.

The lack of a photograph should be a clue that the Associated Press does not even know who this guy is.

This is all to say that the Blazers are full of no-name players who are not even "gritty," or whatever, enough to be afforded that special "total team" status that usually goes to a team full of mediocre-to-bad football players.  And if this sounds like trash talk, well, congratulations, Matlock, you have a bright future in the field of casual observation.  And if this trash talk makes anyone uncomfortable, then, that state of discomfort is a subtly bleak sign of the state of the season.  

Ole Miss will not give this nobody a moral victory.