Oh, and for the inquiring mind: no, I'm not doing anything at work. Apparently I didn't get the memo about not showing up on the 31st.
Denizens of Lubbock - Start driving hybrids, lest you want global warming to increase the severity of your weekly dust storms. Also, do it because Al Gore said so; he invented the damned Internet, lawya.
SEC Referees - Just forget that the replay even exists in college football.
Jerrell Powe - Lose 30 pounds and finally surmount the great literary challenge of completing your first Nancy Drew novel.
Our Rebel frontcourt - Learn to box out and stop being sissies.
Our Rebel backcourt - Grow some ACL's that aren't made of crepe paper or porcelain.
Greg Hardy - Finally get over the "hump" and take the stationery industry by storm.
Mike Oher and Peria Jerry - Buy a lot of cars 'n' shit.
Kent Austin - First, stop sounding like a Canuck. Second, show the SEC West's new diciples of the spread (Petrino, Mullen, and Malzhan) how real quarterbacks play football.
Tracy Rocker - Finally defeat Ted Laurent in an Abner's eating contest. Going 0-11 on the year is pathetic, Trace.
Andy Kennedy - Sign on with the US Department of Homeland Security.
The entire football team - Just freakin' beat Bama for once, alright?
Dexter McCluster - Evolve suction-cupped fingertips (EVILoution works that way, right?).
Womens Rifle Team - Just continue to keep us compliant with Title IX and we won't ask any questions.
Bobby Petrino - Update your resume on Monster.com.
Rascal Flatts - Find some other shitty midday regional football broadcast through which to peddle your "music." Bob that HeAaAaAaAaAaD the fuck on out of here. If Johnny Cash were still alive and if Haggard weren't confined to his drug-ravaged 71-year-old body they'd make a grease stain out of all of you faster than you can put that there gel in your hair.
Arkansas Fans - Get hobbies; lots of 'em. This, of course, does not apply to you, Gonzohog. You just keep on keepin' on.
ESPN - Stop being biased against the SEC! You arrogant New England/West Coast types make me sick! You obviously hate everything about us! Oh, and thanks for the $2+ billion, 15-year
TV deal... you YUPPIE ASSHOLES!
Have you got any others? Feel free to submit them via comment.
Have a save and happy new year, everybody. Don't drink and drive, have fun, get laid, et cetera.