Stories of Character: Ryan Perrilloux

As told by the 504 Boyz

As long as he could remember, back to his days reppin' ho's in East Texas Indian Casinos, Ryan Perrilloux had one dream - go to the University of Texas at Austin on a football scholarship, be the first four-time winner of the coveted Heisman Trophy, bolt after his Junior year, and make it rain.

But, Perrilloux, like so many small-time hustlers just trying to break out, had to modify his plans to match prevailing circumstances. Ryan Perrilloux had a way of seeing which doors were open the widest. He decided that he would attend LSU, but always a clever opportunist, Perrilloux initially committed to Texas, so that he could bang this hot Latin trick whose dad was a season ticket holder.

This would not be the last time that Ryan Perrilloux would use his mad deductive reasoning skillz to offer his magic loins to women of various ethnicities.

By the end of his true freshman year in Baton Rouge, Ryan had set the Southeastern Conference freshman tail-juggling mark. He had not seen any playing time, but he was getting more play than Jamarcus Russell, Matt Flynn, and Joseph Addai combined by pretending to be, depending upon the ethnicity of the young woman, Jamarcus Russell, Matt Flynn, and Joseph Addai.

Having de-skirted half the skirts in Red Stick, Perrilloux turned his sights to more intellectual and philanthropic objects. Once when he "accidentally" turned in a chocolate coin along with the rest of his chips after a rather pedestrian night at the Blackjack table, Perrilloux decided to study in a hands-on way American currency policy. He used his new-found fortune to fight domestic terrorists based in Baton Rouge.

But as they often do with patriotic young capitalists like Perrilloux, the liberal media attacked fiercely, accusing him of being a "distraction to the team" and "probably a felon." Shortly thereafter, LSU Head Coach Les Miles had to dismiss Perrilloux from the team, reportedly after the Hollywood liberal elite threatened to stop manufacturing Miles' absurdly large hats and crazy fake plays in their special effects departments.

Though, Perrilloux has yet to decide where he will continue his academic career, we can be sure that we have not heard the last of a hero like Ryan Perrilloux. The Southeastern Conference...a story of character!