You Are Not a Moderately Attractive Pop Star, Sir.

Obviously, the Rebels have done something to change their lackluster ways. Perhaps, it was the shock of falling out of two national polls for the first time all season. Perhaps, it was a juggling of the roster. Maybe we're just getting hot at the right time. Nevertheless, it would be unwise to rest upon our laurels and not continue to criticize and improve. With this in mind, there is an important modification Coach Bianco must get about immediately.

Changing Tim Ferguson's intro music.

Ferguson, a freshman from Beuamont, Texas, has decided - perhaps because he is a freshman; perhaps because he is from Texas - that he is secure enough in his sexuality to walk sachet up to the batter's box to the tune Fergalicious, a soul-moving composition by that esteemed wordsmith, Fergie.

What Ferguson does not, apparently, recognize is that there are no circumstances under which any man or part thereof should be described as "-alicious." He is not, as he claims to be, "fergalicious." USC's starting quarterback is not "booty-licious." And the Supreme Court affirmed in Brown v. Board of Education that I am not "ivory-licious."

You're being absurd, Timothy. You're embarrassing yourself and the student body at Beaumont Westbrook High School. And you're confusing the elderly and sending mixed signals to Lance Bass.

What did Lance Bass ever do to you?

So, just stop it. I know that you're worried that no one will remember your intro music this time next year if you change it to something awesome like "Wanted: Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi, but I promise, what you're doing to yourself is like making out in the bathroom at Chicken on a Stick or wearing tight leather pants and a choker to the office Halloween party - not something for which you want to be remembered. Let it go. Besides, maybe if you change something up, you'll be batting better than your current .292-licious.