Brothers and Sisters, I want to welcome you again to our house of worship. Today, my brethren, I want to talk about sin. Yes, it permeates our very existence and attacks even the strongest among us. Why, even the saints, John
, were wrecked with sin.
Brothers and sisters, there are sinners
everywhere you look. Even members of our own congregation have engaged in pre-marital sex
, and foul language
But, we are gathered here today for an intervention of Christian love. There is one amongst us who has strayed, who has headed down that wide path that leads, ultimately, to the the dark one
and Hell itself
. Brother Walker
could not be with us today. The Reverend Brother Boone and I believe that Brother Walker may yet be under the terrible influence of your former pastor
. Consequently, Brother Walker is undergoing an awful behavior modification regiment - watching 2007 Egg Bowl 47 times. It's a tough program, but we have faith in Allen.
Even though Allen is not with us today, I have chosen that it is both wise and Christian to talk about him like he is. Allen, and by extension the rest of you, are full of sin! Full of it! You're emitting sin right now from beneath your fingernails, and I can smell it! I can smell it! It's not a mighty wind from the southeast; it's your transgressions. And it's effecting your play on the field, which is what matters to God. Jerrell, your gluttony has caused you to balloon to 967 pounds
. Your number of stars on Rivals is a measure of your potential as an athlete, not a reliable count of the number of cheeseburgers you are authorized to have before breakfast. Dexter, your slovenliness has made you weak and breakable. You are so frail that with one little hit, the Evil One (or perhaps even the kicker), can end your season. And, Jamarca, your rage (exhibited by your conduct a few months ago at Billiard's) has caused you to attack opposing players in a manner that often causes them physical and mental distress.
Actually, on second thought, the good book teaches that sometimes God incorporates our sin into his plan, so, Jamarca, you can ... uh ... keep on keepin' on!
Anyway, the point is, we all have sin we must conquer. Even my little Haven (who had better never be contacted by any of you under any circumstances) has succumbed to the perils of human lust
. Recognize your sin, and conquer your sin.
Unless you're Brother Sanford.